We’re taking a break

After our appointment with the social worked to discuss egg donation, we decided to take a break for the rest of the year.

Get my system clean from all these IVF meds as well as just taking a break mentally.

It has not been a fun first part of 2014. First with the cancelled IVF cycle due to poor response, then the failed IVF after being on the strongest protocol there is.

Having gained so much weight since the two operations last year, and not really doing anything to get back into shape (I was also lazy – I thought there’s no point in losing weight now, if I’m going to be pregnant in a few months in any case – boy was I wrong), I have decided to get back into shape.

I’m really not feeling comfortable in my body right now and haven’t for a while, so I have set a target to lose 10kg by monitoring my portions and getting more active. I hate diets, and frankly don’t believe in them; the weight is bound to return sooner or later when you return to your normal eating habits after reaching your goal weight.

I just need to stay motivated. That will be the difficult part.

Hubby and I have also decided to enjoy our time to ourselves for the rest of the year. Our two year wedding anniversary is coming up, as is his cousin’s wedding, so we’re making a long weekend out of it as an early anniversary getaway.

Am certainly looking forward to that.

It’s great not constantly stressing about having to inject at certain times, being moody, my eggs, a positive hpt etc. Yes I’m still sad that I will never have my own genetic baby, but I need time to grieve this “loss” before we take the next step. If I am ready by the end of the year, then that’s great, if not, we’ll take more time. Point is, I need to be ready and 110% comfortable with this huge decision before we take this massive step.

I’m going to try enjoy the time not ttc for the rest of this year and focus my time and energy on me.

I will still blog about general things as well as any new developments regarding the egg donation and our new ttc journey.

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In between two minds

We had our follow up appointment on June 18th.

It seems like our only option is donor egg IVF.

My RE suggests DE IVF rather than doing another round of IVF using my own eggs as there’s no real guarantee that I will do better than the first time, as I was already on the strongest protocol there is (E2 Priming).

It appears to be the only obvious option for us to have a baby, but I need to come to terms with that little voice in the back of my head that keeps on saying “This is not going to be my baby genetically”.

Tomorrow, July 4th, we have an appointment with the social worker to discuss the DE IVF further.

I don’t know whether we should try another round using my own eggs, when there’s such a big chance that it might not take. I don’t want to waste all that money and go through all those emotions knowing there’s only a small chance of success.

My head is in two different places.

Do we go ahead with DE IVFand I force myself to get over the fact that the baby will not be mine genetically? Will I be able to bond with a baby that is not mine genetically? I just don’t know.

Many people have told me to think of it as still my blood feeding the baby, still me giving birth to the baby, still me breastfeeding the baby, still me being a part of the baby’s development inside of me. Someone very close to me even told me once you hear the first heartbeat and feel the first kick, you know it’s real and nothing else matters.

I know they’re right, but it is still a very difficult situation that only I can deal with by myself.

On a lighter note, to try and find someone that looks similar to me is going to be a mission and a half! I’m not easily going to find a woman who is of both coloured and German decent 😉

 

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All you need is one good egg

So unfortunately only one of the three possibly fertilized eggs made it. Embryo Transfer is scheduled for tomorrow morning.

I’m a bit sad as I had hoped we would be able to transfer two, and possibly have twins at the end of this.

Oh well, my Fertility Specialist said to me while we were planning the E2 priming that all we need is one good egg, and I’ll be pregnant.

Here’s hoping and praying that is true.

Hubby is also saying one egg will do. Trying to cheer me up.

Thing is, twins would have been perfect! Kill two birds with one stone, you know? 😉

I just need to stay positive, and hope that this one little embryo attaches.

I am 1 in 8

Infertility, why me?


NIAW2014

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. Be part of the infertility movement, learn more about infertility. Resolve to know more. Knowledge is power!! Infertility is more common than you may think, one in 8 couples you know struggle with infertility. I am 1 in 8.

Infertility is a disease of the reproductive system. One third (30%) of infertility can be attributed to male factor (like us), and about one third (30% can be attributed to female factors. In about 20% of cases infertility is unexplained, and the remaining 10% of infertility is caused by a combination of problems in both partners.

I found this article on RESOLVE’s website, and thought it was really good….so I wanted to share. It’s from a retiring volunteer support group leader:

“Top 10 things I learned about Infertility”

  1. Infertility is linear…you don’t know how you’re going feel about any treatment or any part…

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2012

2012

On the 4th January 2012, while on holiday in Cape Town, my husband asked me to marry him on the slopes of Table Mountain. It was such a special moment!

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Planning the wedding was exciting, but there were many ups and downs, happiness and frustrations as with many engaged couples.

Our wedding date was set for Sunday the 26th August 2012 at the amazing Oakfield Farm.

We shared our special day with about 120 of our closest friends and family.

We had such an amazing day and I would not change a thing!

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Our honeymoon was spent at Le Victoria Beachcomber Resort in Mauritius.

What a much needed break after the stress of wedding planning! I’m pretty sure that’s the reason for honeymoon – to get away and relax as a couple after dealing with all that stress!


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2012 was an amazing year, we got engaged and married, and I changed jobs just after the wedding. I’m now doing something I love and makes me happy. Yes, it can be stressful and frustrating at times, as with any other job, but doing what you love and being in a happy work environment makes the world of a difference personally and professionally.

It was also the year that I got to see my favourite band, Linkin Park, live at FNB stadium with my bestie and my brother.

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Oh, and just after returning from honeymoon, my brother announces that I’m going to be an aunt.

I’m happy for them, but at the same time, I can’t help but be sad. I think “why them”? They have only dated for a few months and were obviously not trying. It’s just not fair that it comes so easily to people who don’t want, plan or deserve children, but I need to struggle like this.

Anyways, I accept it and am really looking forward to meeting the little girl.