We’re taking a break

After our appointment with the social worked to discuss egg donation, we decided to take a break for the rest of the year.

Get my system clean from all these IVF meds as well as just taking a break mentally.

It has not been a fun first part of 2014. First with the cancelled IVF cycle due to poor response, then the failed IVF after being on the strongest protocol there is.

Having gained so much weight since the two operations last year, and not really doing anything to get back into shape (I was also lazy – I thought there’s no point in losing weight now, if I’m going to be pregnant in a few months in any case – boy was I wrong), I have decided to get back into shape.

I’m really not feeling comfortable in my body right now and haven’t for a while, so I have set a target to lose 10kg by monitoring my portions and getting more active. I hate diets, and frankly don’t believe in them; the weight is bound to return sooner or later when you return to your normal eating habits after reaching your goal weight.

I just need to stay motivated. That will be the difficult part.

Hubby and I have also decided to enjoy our time to ourselves for the rest of the year. Our two year wedding anniversary is coming up, as is his cousin’s wedding, so we’re making a long weekend out of it as an early anniversary getaway.

Am certainly looking forward to that.

It’s great not constantly stressing about having to inject at certain times, being moody, my eggs, a positive hpt etc. Yes I’m still sad that I will never have my own genetic baby, but I need time to grieve this “loss” before we take the next step. If I am ready by the end of the year, then that’s great, if not, we’ll take more time. Point is, I need to be ready and 110% comfortable with this huge decision before we take this massive step.

I’m going to try enjoy the time not ttc for the rest of this year and focus my time and energy on me.

I will still blog about general things as well as any new developments regarding the egg donation and our new ttc journey.

In between two minds

We had our follow up appointment on June 18th.

It seems like our only option is donor egg IVF.

My RE suggests DE IVF rather than doing another round of IVF using my own eggs as there’s no real guarantee that I will do better than the first time, as I was already on the strongest protocol there is (E2 Priming).

It appears to be the only obvious option for us to have a baby, but I need to come to terms with that little voice in the back of my head that keeps on saying “This is not going to be my baby genetically”.

Tomorrow, July 4th, we have an appointment with the social worker to discuss the DE IVF further.

I don’t know whether we should try another round using my own eggs, when there’s such a big chance that it might not take. I don’t want to waste all that money and go through all those emotions knowing there’s only a small chance of success.

My head is in two different places.

Do we go ahead with DE IVFand I force myself to get over the fact that the baby will not be mine genetically? Will I be able to bond with a baby that is not mine genetically? I just don’t know.

Many people have told me to think of it as still my blood feeding the baby, still me giving birth to the baby, still me breastfeeding the baby, still me being a part of the baby’s development inside of me. Someone very close to me even told me once you hear the first heartbeat and feel the first kick, you know it’s real and nothing else matters.

I know they’re right, but it is still a very difficult situation that only I can deal with by myself.

On a lighter note, to try and find someone that looks similar to me is going to be a mission and a half! I’m not easily going to find a woman who is of both coloured and German decent 😉

 

infertility 1116          infertility 1115

From 3 day transfer to two week wait to failed IVF

When we got the phone call that only one egg had fertilised, I was already a little bit disappointed.

We were scheduled to go in on Saturday 10th May, which also happens to be my little niece’s 1st birthday. We thought this could be a lucky charm.

Transfer went smooth, just a little pain at first during the procedure, but afterwards all was fine.

We were very happy and left the theater with a huge smile J

The two week wait was the hardest. Constantly looking up symptoms for that specific day past transfer hoping (maybe even imagining) symptoms described are similar to mine.

I also had the most stressful two weeks at work, which was not great, because during the tww you’re supposed to relax and not stress.

I took a home pregnancy test on Thursday morning, the 22nd May, which was negative. I know that hpt’s aren’t always accurate, so still had a little hope that when we do the blood test we might get a bfp.

AF appeared the same afternoon, very lightly at first, thought it was spotting. I kind of knew then already that it would not take, but didn’t want to admit it to myself.

Doing some research again, I thought it could be a late implanter and still had hope that it could be one.

Saturday the 24th was our blood test.

It came back negative. We are so broken at this news because we really hoped that it would take.

I still tear up at the thought of it and any messages of support that come through. It’s so difficult.

This is kind of the second time it failed – our first cycle was cancelled due to poor response, then we changed to E2 priming, and went through the entire procedure and got a bfn.

Our follow up appointment with our fertility specialist is on the 18th June.

We will see from there what the next step will be.

 

 

We made it to the egg retrieval!

We have finally made it to the egg retrieval. We’re beyond exited as we previously did not make it this far.

I responded really well to the E2 Priming Protocol so the ER was scheduled for Wednesday, 7th May.

I was under general anesthetic, so did not feel a thing. The pain afterwards felt more like period pain, but nothing too severe.

I work up to my hubby smiling at me and a sticker on my hand saying 5 eggs were collected. Very happy with this number!

eggs collected

 

On Thursday morning the laboratory informed me that four of the five eggs were mature enough to fertilize.

She also said that it looked like possibly 3 may be fertilized, but she cannot say for certain.

Will have to wait for a more detailed update the following day.

Fingers Crossed that all 3 make it!

 

 

Meds, Meds and more Meds

So I have been injecting again since the 8th April – first the Lucrin, then Cetrotide, and since the 22nd, both Cetrotide and Gonal F. Tonight I start the Estropause tablet.

It will all be worth it in the end, when we hold our little miracle or miracles, but right now my tummy feels like a pin cushion.

The last few days I’ve also been more moody and irritable than usual, and with that obviously comes squabbles with hubby – over the silliest things I might add!

I uploaded a picture to Instagram of my meds and what they costed. A whole R 13 000 not covered by medical aid – ouch!

Meds 1             Meds 2

 

Anyways, through uploading that picture a Facebook acquaintance contacted me saying she’s also struggling to conceive. We ended up chatting more and shared our experiences we have had trying to have a baby.

Opening up to other people, whether strangers or friends, is a good thing – we’re all going through the same struggles of infertility and chances are we all understand each other’s frustrations!

I uploaded that photo to Instagram so that people who are also struggling to conceive can open up to me about it, and hopefully I can help and support them through this difficult emotional roller-coaster.

Back on the road to IVF

I have been a bit quiet for the last 6 weeks, but nothing much to report as I was on the pill as the first part of the E2 Priming Protocol.

I went back to Vitalab for a scan last week, and everything looks good to go to proceed.

On Tuesday I started with Lucrin injections, and already I feel more emotional 😦

Lucrin

 

Hubby and I have decided that being in the middle of scans, injections etc, we’ll have to cancel our Easter weekend away unfortunately. Also, should I get Malaria for any reason, this process will be delayed by at least 6 months, which is not ideal as we need to deal with my infertility aggressively.

We did however spend an amazing weekend in Cape Town for a friend’s wedding at the beautiful wine farm called Rickety Bridge. What a lovely wedding and couple!

 

Wedding

 

Anyways, back to reality and need to get all meds in and hopefully doing the E2 Priming Protocol will get me to respond better.

If all goes well, the transfer will happen between the 3rd and 5th May.

Holding Thumbs!

 

 

1st Cycle abandoned

The scans today confirmed that I’m not responding to the Menopur.

Fertility specialist decided to abandon this cycle.

Basically I’m not producing many follicles, so they decide we should stop now 1) before we lose any more money and 2) go through with this cycle only to be disappointed when it’s not successful.

He advises we go a different route, namely Estrogen Priming Protocol, or EPP. He also tells us he’s confident that going this route will result in a pregnancy. That’s positive I suppose.

I’m not 100% sure how EPP works, but when my next cycle starts I will start the Minulette pill for 21 days and from day 18 I will need to use Lucrin untill my next cycle starts. After that Estroderm patches and Gonal F. So basically we’re only starting the actual IVF process again in April. 

I am slightly disappointed as I was really hoping to do the actual transfer this month.

I guess everything happens for a reason, but that does not make it any easier.

I am sad that we couldn’t go through with it this time, but rather now than later when, we realize that abandoning the cycle is what we should have done in the first place would it not have been a success. 

infertility quote


infertility quote 2