In between two minds

We had our follow up appointment on June 18th.

It seems like our only option is donor egg IVF.

My RE suggests DE IVF rather than doing another round of IVF using my own eggs as there’s no real guarantee that I will do better than the first time, as I was already on the strongest protocol there is (E2 Priming).

It appears to be the only obvious option for us to have a baby, but I need to come to terms with that little voice in the back of my head that keeps on saying “This is not going to be my baby genetically”.

Tomorrow, July 4th, we have an appointment with the social worker to discuss the DE IVF further.

I don’t know whether we should try another round using my own eggs, when there’s such a big chance that it might not take. I don’t want to waste all that money and go through all those emotions knowing there’s only a small chance of success.

My head is in two different places.

Do we go ahead with DE IVFand I force myself to get over the fact that the baby will not be mine genetically? Will I be able to bond with a baby that is not mine genetically? I just don’t know.

Many people have told me to think of it as still my blood feeding the baby, still me giving birth to the baby, still me breastfeeding the baby, still me being a part of the baby’s development inside of me. Someone very close to me even told me once you hear the first heartbeat and feel the first kick, you know it’s real and nothing else matters.

I know they’re right, but it is still a very difficult situation that only I can deal with by myself.

On a lighter note, to try and find someone that looks similar to me is going to be a mission and a half! I’m not easily going to find a woman who is of both coloured and German decent 😉


infertility 1116          infertility 1115


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