We’re taking a break

After our appointment with the social worked to discuss egg donation, we decided to take a break for the rest of the year.

Get my system clean from all these IVF meds as well as just taking a break mentally.

It has not been a fun first part of 2014. First with the cancelled IVF cycle due to poor response, then the failed IVF after being on the strongest protocol there is.

Having gained so much weight since the two operations last year, and not really doing anything to get back into shape (I was also lazy – I thought there’s no point in losing weight now, if I’m going to be pregnant in a few months in any case – boy was I wrong), I have decided to get back into shape.

I’m really not feeling comfortable in my body right now and haven’t for a while, so I have set a target to lose 10kg by monitoring my portions and getting more active. I hate diets, and frankly don’t believe in them; the weight is bound to return sooner or later when you return to your normal eating habits after reaching your goal weight.

I just need to stay motivated. That will be the difficult part.

Hubby and I have also decided to enjoy our time to ourselves for the rest of the year. Our two year wedding anniversary is coming up, as is his cousin’s wedding, so we’re making a long weekend out of it as an early anniversary getaway.

Am certainly looking forward to that.

It’s great not constantly stressing about having to inject at certain times, being moody, my eggs, a positive hpt etc. Yes I’m still sad that I will never have my own genetic baby, but I need time to grieve this “loss” before we take the next step. If I am ready by the end of the year, then that’s great, if not, we’ll take more time. Point is, I need to be ready and 110% comfortable with this huge decision before we take this massive step.

I’m going to try enjoy the time not ttc for the rest of this year and focus my time and energy on me.

I will still blog about general things as well as any new developments regarding the egg donation and our new ttc journey.

In between two minds

We had our follow up appointment on June 18^th.

It seems like our only option is donor egg IVF.

My RE suggests DE IVF rather than doing another round of IVF using my own eggs as there’s no real guarantee that I will do better than the first time, as I was already on the strongest protocol there is (E2 Priming).

It appears to be the only obvious option for us to have a baby, but I need to come to terms with that little voice in the back of my head that keeps on saying “This is not going to be my baby genetically”.

Tomorrow, July 4^th, we have an appointment with the social worker to discuss the DE IVF further.

I don’t know whether we should try another round using my own eggs, when there’s such a big chance that it might not take. I don’t want to waste all that money and go through all those emotions knowing there’s only a small chance of success.

My head is in two different places.

Do we go ahead with DE IVFand I force myself to get over the fact that the baby will not be mine genetically? Will I be able to bond with a baby that is not mine genetically? I just don’t know.

Many people have told me to think of it as still my blood feeding the baby, still me giving birth to the baby, still me breastfeeding the baby, still me being a part of the baby’s development inside of me. Someone very close to me even told me once you hear the first heartbeat and feel the first kick, you know it’s real and nothing else matters.

I know they’re right, but it is still a very difficult situation that only I can deal with by myself.

On a lighter note, to try and find someone that looks similar to me is going to be a mission and a half! I’m not easily going to find a woman who is of both coloured and German decent 😉